Gizombo: Keeping Readers Living
No one knows why we have been so suddenly thrust into a world knit from nightmare, but as your grandmother's dentures lodged bicuspid-deep in your Louisville slugger testifies: the zombie apocalypse is upon us.
It's uncertain why Z-Day stuck on that fateful day in late March. Some blame the Venusian orbiter that reentered our atmosphere, metal and glass sopping with fell atomic resonance; Some point half-chewed knuckles at the chemicals and elements leached into our landfills after decades of poorly-disposed consumer electronics waste.
Others speak of a sorcerous lunatic cabal, enslaving the population with white stela in pocket-sized effigy, inscribed with the runic twin annuli emblematic of their music-woven moon cult. First those under their sway thought different; then they were different.
Whatever the reason, we are faced with the same problem humanity has always faced, honed to a razor's edge: survival. That's why Gizombo will continue to provide the latest updates on gadgetry that will keep you and your still-living loved ones alive—at least until the dozens of oozing commuters begin to clog the tracks on which our never-halting subway command center rides, sending us sparking to our final resting place inside a cold and bloody iron womb with only a single shotgun shell for comfort.
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For those just scrambling to catch up on what a zombie is and how to survive this apocalypse, be sure to grab your Zombie Survival Guide before it’s too late. This complete handbook for protecting yourself from the living dead contains all the valuable information you’ll need, from the best weapons to how the infection spreads. 
As the rest of the world begins to awaken to the hordes of undead walking the streets, sales of 12-gauge shotgun shells have become a high-demand commodity. Milk and bread sales have slumped as terror-stricken citizens clamor for 1300fps ammo to destroy the brain-stems of our new zombie overlords. 
Developed by Aethlon Medical (conveniently located in San Diego), the Hemopurifier is a "rolling-pin-size" unit designed initially to be used as a dialysis unit. After shunting the unit into your veins, the force of your circulation will push your blood through the device.
announcement.)
Once the slavering undead have broken in, it's can be hard to clear them on out. But while you'll likely never have the luxury of mowing your verdant green lawn on a Sunday morning ever again, that neglected gas mower is the perfect tool for a little crowd control. With a patented Easy-Stride™ Self-Propel System that will reduce operator fatigue even as its 6.5 horsepower, 4-Cycle Tecumseh engine chops through rotting flesh and human bone, The Lawnboy 10367 is the ultimate zombie gelatinator. Featuring both a patented blade design that reduces mulching and also a side-discharge bag, you can spare yourself a messy clean-up by collecting the quivering slurry of the zombie horde as you mow.
Researchers have discovered that half of the world's population is chronically jetlagged. Out of sync with daylight cycles, their circadian rhythms have dangerously slowed down their metabolic processes, making them feel as if they've just stepped from a trans-Pacific flight. Scientists from the Aguadeculo Institute of Metaphysical Research have concluded that the 50% of the living population that's been feeling so out-of-sync should consider turning into a zombie. 
If you get lonely walking that dog by yourself, why not get a genuine Zombie Hand to hold, keeping you company while you're out for a stroll? The hand has been carefully butchered from the decaying body of a vintage zombie in Haiti, and sanitized for your protection. Let the Zombie Hand do the work for you, holding onto the leash, gesturing approvingly to your pet, or even slowly and ominously flipping the bird to that annoying neighbor.
Any large-wheeled vehicle is going to be useful in these last days, but you can take total advantage of your hot-wired tractor or bulldozer by adding on this MDS Silver Bullet Rock Bucket. Don't just press the fields of swaying, fetid unhumanity off to one side—masticate their bloated bodies, using the Silver Bullet's optional grapple fork to burst through the crackling ribs holding back geysers of vaporized gore.
Now that the zombie apocalypse is upon us, durability counts. The fuel-efficient hybrid that once seemed so green-friendly now seems like a poor substitute to an SUV with a snow plow attached as you try to crash your way through freeways pulsating with the rotting dead. And you've only got to see the flabby belly of a friend torn apart like lumps of play dough to start wishing you'd spent more time on your abs. What with the imminent global collapse of industry and all, you've really got to make your next few purchases count.
Even though most of the world has already fallen pray to the horrific events of Z-Day, some are using their pre-apocalyptic skill set to survive—and even thrive—in this new hell on earth. Jeremiah Sullivan has found unrivaled demand for his Neptunic full-body anti-bite sharksuits that not only keep the wearer free from the piercing fangs of their reanimated loved ones, but also keep the majority of purported ‘infection’ away from the skin. (Gizombo does not necessarily endorse the ‘blood-of-the-damned-borne’ theory, but still.)
While it’s too late to assemble a proper